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Dancing with my Demons

“Then, right in the beginning of summer 2011 after engaging with others from towns all purposely far away from mine, along came HIM.”

I started this site to Blog almost two years ago. I had so many plans to share the thoughts that overwhelm my brain daily, but my own personal demons kept getting in my way. Each time I would begin to write a post in my head and even could visualize the lay out. Yet, here I am just now posting.

What triggered me to post you may ask or perhaps you could care less, I am tired of dancing with my demons.

I am a different person than I was just a year and a half ago. I yet again have lived another life. In the past year and a half I have gone through a roller coaster of heartache with my long time boyfriend, I have reconciled with my estranged daughter, have lost weight, have gained the weight back, and I turned 45.

As a teen I never gave much thought as to where I would be in life as an adult, mostly because I didn’t expect to still be alive at this age. Now as an adult I am nowhere in life as I want to be. Of course, I’m not living to anyone’s standards as to where I should be except my own.

I knew once I divorced 7 years ago that being a single mom of 4 kids with not enough college completed to have a degree would be a difficult road.  I also accepted that having a personal life/ dating life would be a whole other challenge. So, with my new found single mom knowledge I gathered all of my life bricks and built a nice safe wall around myself.

Dating wasn’t as difficult as expected. I quickly found out that other men found me attractive where my ex husband no longer noticed me after 18 yrs and 4 kids later. I also found out that men found me funny where my ex husband referred to me as rude or sarcastic, and I also found that men found me intelligent where my ex husband found me to think I knew everything.

So, as I dated and met different backgrounds of people and experimented with dating various age groups as well I started to find myself again. I began to see what I wanted and more so what I didn’t want in a relationship. With each encounter although there were few because I am selective in who I let in my life, more bricks continued to be added to my wall. I think at this point I had enough bricks for a house.

Then, right in the beginning of summer 2011 after engaging with others from towns all purposely far away from mine, along came HIM. I didn’t want to date HIM, he was in my own backyard so to speak. Date someone in the same town? I had so many what if’s which left us  communicating only through messenger for weeks, and yes he pushed many times to meet. I just couldn’t between my list of what if’s and too good to be true’s such as we had the same humor, and our just natural immediate connection.

Then, my why not’s took over and we met. Looking back, I feel sorry for HIM meeting me and my bricks. He had A LOT of bricks to break through to get to my heart. Fast forward to 4 1/2 years later and there HIM and I were in a long term relationship that I resisted for months.

Had I known then what I know now fast forward a year and half later that me and HIM would be at a place that we are yelling, not trusting, hurting each other with our words and actions (more bricks) would I do it all again? I never fully gave HIM all of me for the first couple of years. Sadly, when I was giving him all of me his work was so busy he seemed to get engulfed in it. There wasn’t time for him to appreciate or see the love I was giving HIM. Yes, I would do it all again, but differently.

When we met it was all a whirlwind love story. The house, the kids intertwining, our extended families and friends intertwining, and many discussions of the future. So many amazing memories created of travel, laughing, inside jokes, our own language, many nights of amazing love making and many just lustful sex. We both share a love of the sky and all that has to offer, especially the moon.  If I could go back, I would love HIM sooner, I would appreciate HIM more, and I would let HIM help with my bricks instead of trying to remove them by myself.

Sadly, we didn’t get the love story ending of  Happily Ever After, HIM and I after almost 6 years are no longer together. Is this the end of HIM and I? Will there be a sequel to our story in the future? It’s so beyond difficult to wrap my brain around the answers, especially since we have a once in lifetime deep passionate undeniable love for each other. I don’t know where my future goes from here without HIM no longer in it. I do know that I refuse to continue to dance with my demons. Instead I will embrace them for what they were, and open my soul and for now continue to dance in the moonlight alone.